Why do I want this?

A meta-analysis of my Pinterest: a museum of aspiration content for women.

I remember being nine years old, sitting with my mum while she showed me an app called 'Pinterest'. She used it to look for interior design inspiration, among other things. My grandmother was also into it. She was crafty, and liked to look at gelli prints, tapestries, drawings and other things art-related. As soon as I was introduced to the app, I wanted to use it myself. Whenever my mum gave me time alone with her ipad, I pinned the shit out of it. At some point I made my own Pinterest account, one that I still use today, and it serves as a fifteen year archive of all the ways I've ever wanted to be better as a person.

In this essay I will talk about 'aspiration content', and how it is different from its older sibling, 'inspiration content'. I thought it would be fun to go through my Pinterest and see if there's anything to be learned from the things that I've found inspiring over the years.

Note: unfortunately for copyright reasons, I can't use the actual pins that I am writing about, but I've used AI to try and emulate the ideas I'm getting at. The quotes are also all things I had pinned.

"People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures."

-F.M. Alexander

What is aspiration content?

I would define aspiration content as media that triggers the act of fantasising. In my experience, when consuming aspiration content I think about things I could do, the way I could look, and more generally, the person I could be in the future. These fantasies give me a dopamine rush, as my brain conflates imagined/intended growth with actual growth.

I used to consider the dopamine rush of consuming aspiration content to be 'motivation', as I'm sure many consumers of aspiration content still do. Spoiler alert: it isn't.

It's the same feeling as when you make a study plan - it feels productive, but it isn't unless you actually follow the plan. It is a way of managing emotions, as it gives you a sense of control over the overwhelming task of preparing for exams, without actually having to confront the scary material you have to study (something that would involve acknowledging how far you are from the final goal - yikes).

In other words, acknowledging the way that things actually are is a difficult thing to do, and aspiration content offers an escape from that.

Pinterest is the home of aspiration content targeted at women. It is a gold mine for the woman looking for an escape. On Pinterest, you can shop for all kinds of fantasies, including but not limited to: being a woman with impeccable clothing/outfits; having a complete lifestyle change; creative achievements; having an attitude shift; having the 'ardest study grindset; having a tight skinny body that everyone will hate you for; and generally having a life of aesthetic bliss. It's addictive, truly.

How have my aspirations changed over time?

As a child, when I first started using Pinterest, I exclusively consumed soap-related content. I was passionate about making soap, so I just looked at pictures of soap online. I have happy memories of that time.

I pivoted to sewing content when I got into that, and also had a general DIY phase. All of this was fairly innocent, and it was media that I would not consider to be aspirational per se. I mean, I was looking at projects and thinking about doing them, but I did genuinely do a lot of arts and crafts, so these ideas were useful and a lot of them did actually become projects that I spent time on and completed. I wasn't fantasising, I was just looking for project ideas. I was pursuing fun, and I think that was a good thing.

At some point something shifted in me -as I'm sure it does for most girls at 11 or 12 years old - and I started to not feel so good about myself. With that, there was a subtle change in the content I consumed. I was still looking for 'inspiration', however I was less interested in the activities, and more interested in the women doing them. My thoughts stopped being 'I want to do X', and became 'I want to be a person who does X'.

I used to love looking at crafty supplies and think of what I would do with them, but at a certain point it changed to looking at pictures of stationery and notebooks while thinking about studying with them. The aesthetic desires that once were fulfilled by art were redirected to what felt like a productive place by filtered pictures of coloured pens and notebooks. It scratched the artistic itch, but without the guilt that unproductive fun had started to leave me with.

Becoming a teenager, I got really into workout content, often coupled with pro-anorexia or 'thinspo' imagery. I also had a board of outfit inspiration, though my taste simply reflected whatever was fashionable at the time. There was nothing personal about the outfits I liked, I just wanted to be the girl wearing them. I recently saw a video of someone analysing whether an outfit on Pinterest was actually good, or whether it was just worn by a skinny, conventionally-attractive person, and yes, that hit hard.

I seemed particularly drawn to petite outfit styles and bodies. Tiny dresses and cutesy outfits that would not suit my body type in real life, because I guess some part of me loved (and unfortunately still loves) the idea of being small.

Cannot use Pinterest images for copyright reasons, here is an AI version of the vibes these pins were giving.

At least with the study/fitness content I was consuming, there was a small possibility that I could actually become the person I fantasised about being (I could technically study and workout), however there was no chance I was going to be able to look like the girls that I pinned on my outfit inspiration board - I knew I was never going to be a petite person, after all.

I think this could prove one of two things. Either I was delusional about how unrealistic my aspirations were, or I didn't genuinely believe that I would ever be the person I wanted to be, and a part of me always knew it was a fantasy that I could use to escape being myself.

At 13-14, I got into deep quotes. There were times when I would go on Pinterest, search "deep quotes", and spend HOURS scrolling and reading them all, nodding along. That is not an exaggeration.

Quotes were often to do with self improvement, mindset, working, or social critique. I liked the aesthetic of the words in the same way I liked the aesthetic of thin bodies, or the aesthetic of studying with colourful pens. I believe that there was a part of me that felt I just needed to hear the right words, and I would be cured. Cured of what? I don't know. Being myself, maybe?

"Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much, you can finally say 'I'm used to it'"

"The pain of discipline will always cost less than the price of regret."

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure."

-Henry Kissinger (apparently)

"Do it tired.

Do it sad.

Do it unmotivated.

Do it and don't stop.

You're almost there."

"I found this deep quote:

"Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found.

"This hit me hard."

"If you are tired, then do it tired."

"I'm a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile."

"People cry, not because they're weak. It's becaues they've been strong for too long."

-Johnny Depp

I think there is something cathartic about hearing words from someone else who has suffered. Especially when you've just been by that first tidal wave of pubescent hormones and you are experiencing new emotions that you never knew existed. I think that there's nothing wrong with questioning your own world view, even if the questions you are asking are incredibly cringe to adults (like your future self) who have already done all the processing that you are doing. I think it's an important phase of life to go through, provided you come out the other side.

My issue was that this 'deep' content and accompanying aesthetic that was (and still is) very attractive to young teens, was often indistinguishable from aspirational content. I think this was damaging.

The following is an extract from my diary, taken from an entry on 28/12/15, where I (14 years old at the time) lay out my 2016 new years resolutions, likely inspired by the content I was consuming:

Highlights include:

To eat 'healthy' and 'clean'
To wake up at 6:30am every day
Smile more (lol)
Go for a run EVERY morning
Lose weight
Have fewer spots (like you can control this)
Practice saxophone, clarinet and aural skills EVERY day (NEVER MISS!)
Reading 1 book per week
Study for all subjects (including revising French: the most unrealistic goal of all)

It's sort of funny how dumb it was for me to think I would actually be able to do all of these things, but it also makes me sad that I thought all of these things were worth doing.

These are super unrealistic goals. Impossible goals serve only to make a person guilty. Guilty people are neither productive, nor happy. For the record, I did not fulfil a single one of these new years resolutions that year. But even if I was able to achieve all of these goals through a process of sheer discipline, it would not have made me healthier, wealthier or happier. If achieving a goal makes you unhappy, then it isn't a goal worth achieving.

Also, the goals are generally image based. As in, I wanted to do all the things that would make me seem better in other people's opinion. I wanted people to think I was intelligent, beautiful, inspiring, talented etc... I fantasised about sacrificing all of my free time in pursuit of wasta, essentially.

Notice how there are not really any goals on there relating to things I enjoy or care about. They are all 'productive'. One might argue that music is an exception to this, but I disagree - approaching music in this way took all of the joy out of it. I also hated aural.

So thank you, Pinterest, couldn't have done it without you.

What this rant serves to illustrate is that aspiration content comes at the cost of self-esteem, and this era of my Pinterest habit damaged me in ways that I still deal with today. I still find it hard to know if I want to do something because I enjoy it or if I just want to impress people around me. I still find it hard to plan or set goals without being unrealistic, and when I don't achieve my unrealistic goals, I feel bad about myself. I am still addicted to the dopamine rush of fantasy.

The Next Phase of Aspiration Content

As an adult, I think at some point I noticed that my fantasies were coming from a place of inadequacy, and that they were not realistic. As a result, I redirected my fantasies towards my 'passion'. The passion in question changed every hour though. Sometimes I was pinning about music, other times it was crochet, sometimes reading, and, most commonly, writing.

The cool thing about writing content is that it sells a lifestyle that other hobbies can't. This is because there aren't obvious structural barriers to being a successful writer, and so the fantasy of being a writer requires minimal suspension of belief.

For example, I am not going to be a famous saxophonist, nor an olympic athlete. I know that, because I am too old for both of those things, so I can't really buy into fantasies around them. My brain knows that, realistically, the best chance I have at being as widely recognised as my ego thinks I should be, is by writing. And so, writing content was the adult equivalent of my teenage study-aesthetic aspirational obsession.

Let me be clear, most consumers of writing content have never written a book. They are aware that, even if they did write a book, it likely wouldn't get published. And even if it did get published, it probably wouldn't make enough money to give financial freedom. An important componant of the aspirational content sphere, though, is that every consumer believes they are the chosen one. If you believe you are special, your fantasies are technically possible, which makes them an excellent escape from the drudgery of real life. Real life is so mundane and non-dopamine-inducing. Not like being a professional writer - imagine being able to spend your time on creative projects, working from home, not having to work 9-5, and getting enough money that you have freedom.

To summarise, I hate working, so if I fantasise about being a rich and famous writer, I can escape the reality of working a job that I don't particularly like. That is why writing has been a a staple of my adult aspiration content consumption diet.

"When you catch a glimpse of your potential, that's when passion is born."

- Zia Ziglar

"It is a delicious thing to write, to be no longer yourself but to move in an entire universe of your own creation."

- Gustave Flaubert

"A good writer refuses to be socialised. He insists on his own version of things, his own consciousness. And by doing so he draws the reader's eye from its usual groove into a new way of seeing things."

-Bill Barich

"Your Intuition knows what to write, so get out of the way."

-Ray Bradbury

"Once you make writing a habit, craft will come down from her pedestal and join you in a dance."

-Chrisina Katz

"Bad writing is more than a matter of shit syntax and faulty observation; bad writing usually arises from a stubborn refusal to tell stories about what people actually do - to face the fact, let us say, that murderers sometimes help old ladies cross the street."

-Stephen King

Contrapoints made a video a few years ago entitled 'Cringe', in which she argues that the feeling of cringe often arises when you see a person whose self-image is vastly misaligned with how other people actually see them. I agree, and I think this is why aspiration content is inherently cringe. Think, r/im14andthisisdeep.

Aspiration content feeds the ego, it gives the sense that you have the capacity to become a very different person to who you actually will be. The inflated self-image and oversimplified worldview of both producers and consumers of aspiration content leaks out in language and behaviour, sometimes subtly and sometimes overtly (*cough* manosphere *cough*), and it is cringeworthy, to say the least.

Is there a better way?

At the start of this essay, I talked about how I used Pinterest for soap-making content, similarly to how my mum used it for furniture ideas and my grandmother used it for art inspiration. Should these uses of Pinterest be considered aspiration content?

I don't think that inspiration content is the same things as aspiration content. Inspiration content, as I'm using the term, refers to media that triggers ideas that are realistically achievable. Also, the ideas spawned from consuming inspiration content are not centered around social standing. Inspiration content is not lowering my self-esteem. It is not giving me unrealistic expectations of myself and my life; it is not screwing up my value system; it is not inflating my ego.

And so, at the moment, I try use Pinterest largely for crochet ideas. I'm confident I don't crochet for clout, in fact, I'm too embarrassed to wear my crocheted items outside. I don't think it is toxic to want to make little dragons out of wool. Therefore, I believe I am consuming inspiration content.

The issue is, though, when does inspiration content become aspiration content?

If I look at my pins, and I'm being super honest with myself, I don't know why it is that I was drawn to some of them. Do I like the crochet clothes, or do I want to appear like the person wearing them?

I've noticed that a lot of the crochet stuff I pin is very cutesy (lolita/coquette aesthetic) - am I drawn to this because I want to make my large body seem smaller by means of infantalisation? If I'm honest with myself, I would never wear that kind of thing, so why am I pinning it?

A lot of the people modelling the clothes I pin are skinny and conventionally attractive, and are wearing crochet projects that seem designed specifically to showcase those things. Am I looking for inspiration for crochet projects, or do I fantasise about being like these crocheters? Sometimes I cannot tell the difference.

I guess the question is, realistically, which of these projects am I actually going to complete?

There isn't anything wrong with wanting to crochet things that make you feel good, and if you feel good about your body then clothes that show it off might make you feel more confident. But, when I pin these projects, who am I doing it for? Am I interested in the craft or am I creating a fantasy version of the self to satisfy my internalised male gaze? How can I tell the difference?

Maybe that last question is a can of worms for another day. For now, I think the main takeaway is that I would benefit from accepting myself and my life as much as possible, particularly the things that I can't control. And when making plans/setting targets, I could think:

Why do I want to do this?
Who is this for?
Is this realistic?

But anyway, I'm still untangling myself, and that will probably be a process for the rest of my life.

Will there come a day when my reformed media consumption on Pinterest, Youtube and Instagram slips back into a self-mythologising fantasyland without me noticing? What if my current pins are toxic in a way that I haven't yet anticipated, and I will look back on this chapter and realise that it, too, damaged me in ways I am yet to learn about?

Time will tell.

To conclude, thank you, Pinterest, for allowing me to construct a version of myself that I do not have the skill, discipline or confidence to ever become.

And thank you, reader, for being here. I hope you enjoyed exploring my Pinterest inspired self-analysis as much as I enjoyed writing it. Have a great day x

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